VampiresVampires on the other hand are those have something of a vested belief or interest in the culture of modern vampires and the culture’s practices or symbolism. As such , modern vampires are by no means the traditional dead or immortal souls many instantly associate with the culture, but instead those following vampire folklore and certain practices – ranging from fashion and music choice to certain non-murderous blood rituals in many instances.

Goth Vs VampireThe key difference between the Goth and Vampire subcultures comes in terms of attitude and overall personal definition. In the world of the Goth, the individuals following the movement define the culture as a whole, whereas vampires follow centuries old legend and folklore. What’s more, Goths tend to be rather reserved, quiet and often appear to be a little on the depressed side – Vampires on the other hand relishing life, love and attention in all its forms. So next time you find yourself in any of the hostels in Dublin or indeed anywhere else surrounded by one of two above groups, you should now be able to avoid a rather unforgivable faux pas when it comes to breaking the ice.

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Well what did you think I spent all of my time doing whilst hiding away out of the sunlight? Playing with backgammon sets or cards? I don’t think so, this is the 21st century my friend and I have been around long enough to know how to keep up with the trends!

Have you ever wondered how it is that even though you spend all night after school or work endlessly playing online Call of Duty yet there are always gamers on there that run up behind you with ease and shoot you in the back of the head without you having time to take aim? Ha ha, got you again didn’t I.

Me and my sun scared friends have a lot of time to spare and our devilishly quick minds and fingers allow us to be masters of the internet gaming scene! It doesn’t matter how good you are against your friends, when you play against a vamp there is no contest.

I laugh as I destroy those petty humans who think that they are the Pro Evo king. I have learned to play almost every game that has been invented and am a master at them all.

You might as well give up now as I will always be the king. If you don’t believe me then sign on to Grand Theft Auto now and see for yourself. Before you have got your bearings you will be on the floor and having to press Start to continue.

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My first job was driving for Red Diesel Inverness and it involved exactly what you’d think the job of driving around delivering fuel would involve: I’d drive for a couple of hours, turn up at a farm and deliver the pay-load. I’d have a chat with the farmer or the farmer’s wife and then I would be on my way.

Only sometimes there are…how can I put this…interruptions. One such thing happened one fateful day in 2007 and I could barely sleep for weeks after…

I was late to deliver the payload, so when I arrived at the farm I was sure I’d be in for hassle. But instead of getting hassle, I got a farmer’s daughter running out of the farmhouse towards me. She smiled and said she had been expecting me, and in that moment I fell in love…

it was when I was putting the hose back and bidding the farmer’s daughter farewell that I ran into trouble

Not the conventional sort of love, you understand – or maybe you don’t, after all you are but a human being with not a clue of the way I live – but the kind where all I could do was stare at her bare neck and fantasize about dreaming upwards of a pint of blood.

Anyway, I tried to get on with my job of connecting the big old pipe to the container and did so without screaming in vampiristic rage, or doing what they always do in Twilight and ranting about how they can’t control themselves. But it was when I was putting the hose back and bidding the farmer’s daughter farewell that I ran into trouble. Behind me, a flock of sheet were blocking the road as the farmer delivered them to the field opposite the drive.

So I was stuck. Stuck with my own devious and highly tantalising thoughts, stuck chatting with the farmer’s daughter when all I wanted to do was lunge at her and sink my fangs in…you get the picture. It was tricky. And it was even trickier when a great big been stung her neck and then she rushed inside and I felt compelled to follow, what with all the screaming.

There then followed a tense and highly jealous few minutes as I helped her dab her neck with a warm towel, all the while trying to restrain myself from getting too close to her sweet-smelling neck.

Eventually I escaped to live another day, but I’ll tell you something for nothing: it was very tricky! My mother would have been proud of me, though, I know that much.

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Every few years I organise a costume ball. I pick a suitable otherworldly venue, such as an old castle, or an abandoned mine or a ruined mansion, and advertise the event widely as the Vampire’s Ball. For many years now I have been using the same small printing press to do my leaflets and posters, and in recent years the company has created its own website. Using this online printing shop makes it even easier for me than ever, since I do not have to venture out into the sunlit world to arrange my needs.

Guests are required to dress up as Goths, or as fictional horror characters, whether a black-cloaked vampire, Frankenstein’s monster, a toilet-roll-draped mummy, or the giant walking carrot from the first film version of ‘The Thing’.

I pick a suitable band for the live music, one that can play spooky background music as well as bouncy or smoochy dance music, book a couple of entertainers such as fire-eaters or acrobats, arrange a huge buffet for those of you who still ingest solid food, and charge a fortune. Those of us who do not drink … wine … get in a lot cheaper.

The vampire-wannabes love it. Every time I put on this show it is sold out well in advance. The humans have a great time pretending they are in a Gothic castle, we blood-drinkers have our pick of donors, and I make loads of money.

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Are vampires real? That is not a question I would like to answer here and the best I can do is to leave the answer to the imagination of the reader. What I can say however is that they are everywhere in our daily contact with life. Before I move on, I remember how I used to ask about the first vampire and how they came to be part of the human story. I have heard various versions of their origin, activities and nature and I keep hearing more. The reality here is that nobody really knows much about the beginning of the existence of vampires because they have been around for a long time. This brings us back to the discussion on how vampires have become a part of the lives of humans. They are everywhere in the movies, books and some people claim to have seen them in physical reality.

Vampires are a household name in the movies, books and even in songs, just like Rowan Dartington is in its line of business but I have never seen them and of course not looking forward to that kind of a meeting. While I do not necessarily believe the account of those who have seen them, I also thread carefully by stating clearly to people that I do not doubt their existence. Someone recently told me that the reason some people go missing without trace is because vampires have taken them away. According to her, vampires hardly leave a hint of their actions whenever they strike. Whether it is a myth, I can’t tell. Do they leave in that empty house near you? Nobody really knows. Are they really alive? You tell me!

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Let me tell you yes, it has its advantages, but often it can also be a bind. A big old bind I tell you. Such as when you really fancy some nice young virgin blood and the streets are void of people. Honestly, last week I spent a good 3 hours looking for a virgin, and all I could find was a very old woman who was clearly anything but! Of course I didn’t resort to biting her. She would have tasted absolutely foul.

Now then, the next question is: what to do?

You’re stuck in your room with no blood, no virgin excitement running through your veins, and it isn’t exactly fun.

Well, aside from looking for english teaching jobs in london – a vamp has to work, you know – a vampire can find other ways to pass the time. Or at least trick himself.

One thing I do when I am very desperate for blood is liquefy a tomato, add purée, and pretend like that is blood. I must get awfully drunk beforehand to create this illusion, of course, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it! Quite to the contrary: every time I do this I get better at tricking. Now, I have myself fooled to levels that you, my mere mortal, would truly not believe!

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I don’t know when or how it started, but I developed a fascination for blood at a very early age. One time, a friend pricked her finger and instinctively I took it in my mouth. Ah, the sweetness…it was as if my hungry soul was finally satiated. I soon became addicted. Blood was the only drug I needed to feel alive…ironically.
I can’t say when I started losing friends, at least of the ’normal'kind. My parents still think its a phase that will get by, but little does any one know I’ve reached the point of no return. I love the night, the darkness that cloaks the world. When the so-called naive are tucked into bed, I unleash the beast within and roam the streets with pride. I have my fan following, including people who want to be ’victimized’. I gladly oblige.
Was I born this way? Maybe a DNA test can prove it. It would definitely create a riot! My identity is unknown, but perhaps I like it like that. A faceless, nameless being, out to rule the dark streets of the city, exploring the dark pleasures life has in store for me. The night defines me, and darkness is like my shadow. I cringe at the sight of the sun, it burns me…literally. The beautiful dark is my shelter, my camouflage, my friend. My innermost desires come to life as I look for my prey. This bloody obsession is what gets me through the lie most people are living. It is what sets me apart and I like what I’m turning into. Watch this space for more.

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A vampire’s bloodline or lineage is vitally (get it?) important. It is a matter of pride and status to be descended from one of the great vampiric names in history such as Dracula, Elisabeth Bathory, or Nosferatu. By descent, I mean of course to be “turned” into a vampire by either the great character himself or by one of their ‘get’.

Members of the same vampire ‘family'all owe allegiance to their common master or mistress, also known as a sire or liege. They are also supposed to support and help each other, but just like humans, there is plenty of bad feeling within families. There are also feuds between some vampire families, lasting hundreds of years, so a knowledge of one’s vampiric genealogy is crucial, especially at big gatherings.

In return the vampire who ‘turns'a new creature of the night is supposed to guide and teach the newbie, and help them adapt to their new, fanged existence. I have not yet come across a case where a sire denies having made or turned a particular new vampire, but I suppose it is possible. This raises the bizarre image of trying to apply maternity or paternity tests to a vampire who is accused of having sired a newbie but refuses to accept the responsibility.

As for my own lineage, it is naturally of the highest status in the land, nay, even in the world. “From whom do you descend?” I can hear you eagerly ask, while those of you less grammatically ept are exclaiming: “Who do you descend from?” Alas, my curious friends, you are going to have to remain frustrated in this matter. I am not telling. At least, not yet …

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For instance, just because I am a 184 year old blood-sucking fiend, it does not mean that I am without my fair share of ‘family problems’. Sure, you do have plenty of independence as a vampire but (at the end of the night) there are still the children to think about!

Of course, the kids are just like any others in most ways (except for chewing the heads off rats when they are peckish perhaps). They bicker over which TV channel to watch and they constantly complain if they cannot have a new carte r4 (‘RIGHT NOW’) for their Nintendo DS. Sigh, sometimes I wish they would hurry up and grow… however, because they are vampire children, they are trapped in their present forms forever! AAARGH!!!

Then I have ‘The Wife'to consider. Being a vampire may mean that you get to nibble on the necks of many buxom lovelies… but boy, does SHE get jealous!!! She just doesn’t seem to understand how special she is to me. After all, I could never replace her (unless it did not drink quite so deeply from a particularly attractive victim and I went on to teach her the dark ways instead…).

They say that ‘Blood is thicker than water'and that is absolutely true! However, exactly what that has to do with family I don’t understand. Maybe I’m just thinking about it all differently somehow…

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This post is all about going out in the daylight. Yes, I know that sounds a bit dangerous and unorthodox, but it’s fine, honestly, as long as I prepare. Before I brave the outside world where the hideous creatures known as “human beings” walk, I must do the following.

1) Make sure I put my mobile phone in my pocket. Being 184 years of age takes its toll on your brain and it’s best to think ahead.

2) Cover myself with concealer that is a more human being kind of a colour. This is essential. People get very bored waiting in queues, such as at the bank, and the last thing you want is them checking out your white skin and thinking you’re a blood sucker.

3) Polish my shoes. Nothing to do with being a vampire, I just like my shoes polished.

4) Have a wee. I hate having to go to places were human beings all wee and poo together, one after another, so to avoid going for any of that horror I do a great big number 1 or 2 before I go out.

5) Now I am ready. Almost. I mustn’t forget my dark glasses. Contrary to popular belief that’s also nothing to do with me being a vampire. It’s more because the victim I attacked yesterday punched me in the face as I was in the process of sucking her blood. I don’t want people gawking at me, do I?

Now I am ready and I go out. To the supermarket first, to get tomato juice. This is a good topper-upper when the blood is running low and the victims aren’t quite as plentiful as they should be. After that it’s just a regular day. You know what it’s like: feeding in the shadows while wearing my Casual Fabrics from Vampire Clothes Online, avoiding the human “Police”. All that kind of thing. Boring, really.

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